Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Guilty... as charged!

Yesterday, while I was helping my son dress up for school, I noticed how old and worn out his shoes were. Why would it not be? We bought it almost a year ago from a sale in Itti at SM Sta. Mesa for only 99 pesos. It was such a good deal cause the shoes were made of leather, manufactured by a known leather-shoes maker, and it only costs 99 pesos. So, even if the shoes were one size larger than my son's feet, we bought it.

Today, his shoes definitely looked like they've seen better days. My mom kept on telling me to buy a new pair of shoes for Francis, but I told her that they still seem to be in good condition. Besides, I had worn shoes in worse condition when I was studying so I'm pretty sure my son's shoes will last 'til the weekend. My son and I will just go on a shopping spree this Saturday when I'm off from work.

Being a brave little kid, Francis wanted to go to school on his own. Of course, he would still be fetched by the school service, but after that, he's on his own. There wasn't anything to worry about, really. The school bus goes directly to the grounds of the Basic Education Department and Francis' classroom was just on the ground floor. His school service driver and helper assists them until they reach their classroom.

All the while, I thought everything was okay. Until I got a text message from my mom...

"Sira na shoes ni Ancis. Tanggal ilalim."

I immediately called up home. According to my mom, Francis' class were given a short break and they were allowed to play for a while at their mini-playground. Francis even mentioned that his shoe's sole was left behind as he was running around. And so, he simply sat down in one corner and watched everybody else play. When it was time to line up and go back to the classroom, he was sliding his shoes so the sole wouldn't fall off. To make things even worse, when his school service arrived, my mom saw Mang Nomer (the driver) carrying Francis. He said he didn't want to walk 'cause his shoes were already dilapidated.
SIGH... Kawawa naman.

Alright, I admit, I'm guilty of not taking care of my son properly. My enthusiam over his newly-discovered independence clouded my parental instincts.

I never should have allowed him to go to school on his own. What if something happens to him? No matter how small the incident would be, he's still too young to know and trust anyone he can run to.

I never should have let the day pass without buying him a new pair of shoes. My experiences when I was younger should have been a gauge on how I should make my son's life better, not how much he should also suffer?

All throughout the day I kept on thinking how humiliated my son had been at school. I could not imagine. I don't even want to imagine. The mere thought of him being humiliated breaks my heart.

I'm such a bad mother...

When I got home from work and asked him about it, his story starts from his shoes getting ruined but skips through the part with what he did when he realized it. He goes directly to the story when my mom accompanied him to the mall to buy a new pair of black shoes. A "Tom & Jerry" black shoes.

A friend told me, my son simply didn't want to disappoint me that's why he skipped the part when he got humiliated. I say, he's too humiliated to even tell me the story.

Either way, it's all my fault.

And honestly, I have no idea how I can make this up to my son.

Ako na lang, Mommy...

Today is my son's second day at school.

I really have no plans of accompanying him to his school bus and to school as I am swamped with work today. I warned my mom last night, though, to be ready to go with my son just in case he goes into his "malambing" tantrums.

So, first thing today I asked if he still wants Mommy to go with him to school. He thought for a while and then boldly blurted out, "Ako na lang, Mommy... Kaya ko na 'yun.

Proud as I am to hear him venture into independence, it breaks my heart to realize that he, obviously, doesn't need me anymore.

My son has now grown up. :-( So much for enrolling him in a big school...

SIGH... Let go, Barok, let go...