Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I'll Be Okay

I don't know when and I don't know how exactly I got here.. All I know is, little by little, I've been thinking more happy thoughts than I used to. I've started writing and blogging about better stuff, gradually taking out all the bittersweet melancholic nonsense that was so characteristic of my earlier blogs. It felt like I woke up one day with a renewed and a more positive perspective in life... although not really knowing when that morning was.

Last night, I was browsing through my blogspot and came across some entries I posted earlier this year. Surprisingly, there were more "feel good" entries than those that harbor the "dark side of me." Hmmm... I tried to trackback so I can determine when exactly this new found happiness began.

I wonder if this started late 2007 when I began listening and understanding Daughtry's songs (yes, I am a fan!). His songs, well, some, were like Alanis Morisette's, full of angst. Others, full of hope and the need to move on. I particularly like this one song, "Over You," but at that time, it never really felt like it was really over. The lyrics, though, were so inspirational.
"Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running a long, long time ago! And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you more than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally gettin' better. Now, I'm picking up the pieces from spending all of these years putting my heart back together. 'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you!!!"
I wonder if the two-week-four-countries trip I had with my friends had something to do with this "happiness" as well. People who knew me 6 to 8 years ago would never have guessed that one day, I will be able to travel abroad at my own expense (yes, definitely, not work-related). Although my friends and I, together with my son, have travelled to Asian countries in 2007, the places we went to, the length of time we were on vacation, and the money we had to spend made the 2008 Holy Week adventure quite a quantum leap! (Only a European adventure would top this! Hahaha!) But is financial gain a true gauge to measure happiness?

I wonder if the last stop we made in Singapore made all the difference in my life. Despite being the one who makes the itinerary for our trips, I really cannot dictate where we should go and where we shouldn't. It's a decision we all had to agree on. Since the cheapest flight back to Manila that we could get was getting through Singapore first, I had to prepare myself, emotionally, to set my foot on the place that played a major part on my life's sudden twist of events almost a decade ago. Naks!

We only had a day and a half in Singapore. Since most of us have been to Singapore or were too broke to make more tours, we decided to spend the day separately. I was more than pleased with that. If I were to go back down memory lane, I would definitely want to do it alone... Well, not technically. I was with my son who served as my strength all throughout the Singapore leg.

And I survived Singapore! I have planned to write this on my blog for several months now. Up to today, I am still too ecstatic to even write a title about it. Yes, I still can't get over the fact that I have survived Singapore. Yahoo!!!

I wonder if the photos I had of our Holy Week adventure slapped on to my face what happiness really meant. Although I've seen our photos about a hundred times already, I remember the day when it finally dawned on me how this one photo of a jumping shot became a perfect photo of my current state of being. It was my jumping shot at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. I entitled that photo as "Lovin' my life... finally! And this is my new portrait: happy and free as a bird with God right behind me." Isn't that photo so me now???

I wonder if this happiness is brought about by the fact that I finally realized, life is better now. A ghost from the past came alive and slightly (yes, slightly) came back into my life. I have deeply pondered on whether he should know the truth, but decided, things might be better left unsaid. I have a better life, he doesn't. It seemed like a fleeting victory on my part but really, do we have to gauge our success based on other's failures. He was a part of my life and whether I admit it or not, whatever happens to him, still matters to me. But then again, he was never a part of my misery before. So even if I triumph on his losses now, it still doesn't make any difference. He didn't do me any wrong.

I wonder if the great sunrise I witnessed at Bantayan Island, Cebu was instrumental in making me realize how insignificant I am to all the great wonders that this world has to offer... That my problems are so small compared to whatever the Lord has suffered to save me from being as depressed as I was. No, I was unworthy. I found myself sitting by the beach, in silence, greatful for the magnificent sunrise, not only of that day, but also of my life.

I wonder if the projects I had these past two years helped in seeing me through my most difficult times. Sure, it helped a lot. But having no projects at all when my director was on vacation didn't exactly pushed me back to my "milieu of unfathomable darkness."

Maybe "Cosme" has something to do with this as well... But then, I also believe in what Ate Faye wrote a couple of months back: "I've been wanting something, but can't have it, so I've been getting substitutes for it, food, shopping... but of course, they can't make my happy... no, they can make me happy, because happiness is based on outside forces, but inside, I'm not really happy. There's no joy." (taken from Ate Faye's "Kilala mo ba si Joy?" blog entry. And I know, in my heart, I have joy and inner peace... Definitely something that "Cosme" can never provide.
SIGH... After all is said and done, I still don't know when exactly I started being okay. All I know is that in 2008, I started being okay.
And in 2009, i'll be okay as well. No, better. Definitely.
It's been almost a decade now... I deserve to be okay.
"Fate has a way of changing just when you don't want it to... Throw away the chains, let love fly away. Till love comes again, I'll be okay..."

-- Amanda Marshall "I'll be Okay"


laiza said...

great blog barok .... love it! =)

infairness ha ... may mga matinding reflections ka sa ating mga escapades & adventures.