Monday, July 21, 2008

Is it you?

Is it really you? Or is it my imagination playing tricks on me again?

I have rehearsed this scenario in my mind for the longest time. When I get to see you again, I would know how to act, I would know what to say, I would know how to pretend. But for the many times I have played this "meeting" in my mind, there's really no preparing when that time indeed comes.

For two days now, I have shut my eyes and my mind everytime I think of the possibility that it would really be you. For two days, it all seemed like you're one big blur.

Until today...

If you were just an inch away from me, I know you would have heard me gasp when I realized it could really be you. I saw how you looked at me, and I know that look very well. My heart pounds as if a giant walks on the ground where I am standing. No, I am not scared of you. I am worried of whatever will come out of this.

It would be nice to tell you in person, "Hey, it's okay, I have no hard feelings," so I can unload you of any burden that you might have these past few years... I know you would also want to hear me say, "Don't worry, I got your back... I've been taking care of 'us' for the longest time now and we're doing okay so far," as it might release you from your guilt, if there were any.

No, I am not being sarcastic. And it may be hard to comprehend, but honestly, I never blamed you, not once, for whatever circumstance I am in right now. My life turned out this way because of the choices I made, because of the path I took. I do not regret this life now. My life has more meaning because of the wrong decisions I made in the past.

I feel saddenned, though, of how you have become. At the back of my mind, I have wished that you have used these past years to make yourself better... Hoping the dark years have made you wiser. It seemed like they didn't. What has happened to all those years?

I am now guilt-stricken. Was my impact so huge and devastating that you couldn't get out from that dark world? Was it all my fault? It may be such an understatement, but yes, I know what's it like. I've been there. But I got out of it. Have you?

Is saying sorry at this point in time can suffice to all that you've suffered these past years?

I do not wish for anything to come out of this. I just want us to be civil, if not friends. I do not hold no grudges against you and I also do not wish for us to be closer.

Definitely, not closer.

I am okay with the distance between us.

I am okay that my son and I have lived 7 years without you around.

I know he needs you... and I can see how important it will be for his own identity and self-esteem to know you. I do not disagree that one day, the two of you will have to meet and get to know each other. I am just not ready to having this day today. Are you?

Get a grip of your life. Stand tall from life's adversities. I was there once, but I made it through. There's no reason for you to be stuck there.